Old Way

Submitted by longjohn1 on Fri, 03/01/2013 - 09:29

It was the ninth day when he finally caught up to the boy. The sand-eroded tires of his sedan rolled effortlessly down that last hill, swallowing grass beneath its great metal frame and closing the distance between him and the boy with deadly speed. There was never a chance of escape; none had ever made it more than a week before the head lamps of that Chevrolet bathed them in a ghastly glow of artificial light. But this boy was different. The man could feel it the moment he picked up the trail; for one, the boy barely left a trace of himself at all, his tracks often stopping at riverbanks and not starting again until much further downstream. Of course, it was only a matter of time before the man found him, but on a hunt like this, time seemed to lose all relevance. Perhaps he had been driving through the great emptiness for nine days or maybe it had been six hours, or three weeks. The man turned inwards during these journeys, letting his body grip the steering wheel while his mind traveled backwards. Dim silhouettes of dead memories often danced before his eyes as he cut through the quiet, undisturbed American landscape that flooded past his windshield.

Comments

Cybil Fierst

03/03/2013 - 14:36

I very much enjoyed your opening. The mood you've set for the story was really well formed, and the first three sentences were particularly memorable in that they had dreamlike qualities that immediately drew me in to the story.

I also agree with the previous reviewer that the last two sentences could be combined or edited. Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece.

Shuja Dalip's picture

Shuja Dalip

03/01/2013 - 16:43

What a great opening. The first sentence grabs your attention, and the rest of the paragraph slowly draws you in to the reality of the world that the story's about without giving anything away. And the last few sentences promises you a look into the mind of this seemingly creepy dude who is chasing down a kid. Just an awesome setup.

Just one suggestion. I would combine the last two sentences into just one: "The man turned inwards during these journeys, letting his body grip the steering wheel while his mind wandered through the dim silhouettes of long dead memories." The last sentence by itself sounded a little bit overdone.

TeresaL

03/01/2013 - 14:46

Jeez...I used to have nightmares about a creep stalking me in a car when I was younger. The last sentence gave me shivers...Dim silhouettes of dead memories...wow! He must be a tortured soul. I love it when the bad guy is complicated. But maybe he's not the bad guy? So many juicy puzzles bits to anticipate. Great work!

zachnichols

03/01/2013 - 12:24

Your opening is very well done. The 3rd person narrator sets a tone that I thought was very effective for the type of story being told. And the expertly described details, like "sand eroded tires", and "swallowing grass" really brings the scene to life. The opening also brings up a lot of questions that pique the reader's interest. I'm certainly eagerly anticipating the chance to get to read the full story. A few minor suggestions

- The boy was caught on the third day, but the narrator said he was different (allusions to being more clever than others before him) and that no one had avoided capture for more than a week. It might make a stronger case for the boy being different if he didn't get captured for a longer time than anyone before him (maybe two weeks?).
- Change "..to lose all matter" to "..to lose any relevance"
- Change "..man turned inward on himself.." to "..man turned inwards.."
- Change "travelled" to "traveled"

Cathy B

03/01/2013 - 11:44

This is so creepy and suspenseful! Who is this man and what is he doing tracking down this kid?! Is he a kidnapper/molester? Is it some kind of a nightmarish camp? There's so many directions that this story could take. I'm at the edge of my seat here! Great opening.