Rain

Myles's picture
Submitted by Myles on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 02:33

Babel stared at the computer, wondering how to phrase the email. It was raining outside, which had brought Melancholy knocking on the door with a tub of ice cream and a crappy romantic comedy. And naturally, she had invited him in.

That meant Logic went out of the window, falling face-first onto the cold, hard street below. But he was used to it, so he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and made his way to the bar on the corner.

In the absence of Logic and Clear Thinking (who had gone bowling when she had started gorging herself on the ice-cream), Babel was now regretting that she had recently split up with her idiot ex-boyfriend. The main reason was that the grey, rainy evenings reminded her of the times they had spent together. However, the irony was lost on her -- that “dull and miserable” were the two words she most associated with her happiness -- so she just sat there, trying to compose something which would send him scurrying back into her arms.

What to say though?

“It’s raining and I’m thinking about you. I know this is completely out of the blue, but… do you think we could put the past behind us and try again?”

At least, that’s what she wanted to write. But something wouldn’t let her. True, she craved his presence. And true, the rain did remind her of him. And she really did want things back the way they had been. But she just couldn’t shake the resentment she felt towards him. He had been a real ass. And even if she forgave him, he would still be an ass.

After much deliberation, Babel punched out a single sentence and hit send.

“It’s raining and I hate you.”

Comments

Agcat97's picture

Agcat97

02/26/2013 - 12:50

I really liked the changes you made to this. I thought the editing made it a much smoother read, especially in that second paragraph.
I love how you portrayed Babel's emotions in this opening. The fact that she wanted to forgive her ex-boyfriend, but ended up sending him an email that said "It's raining and I hate you" really hooked me. Well done!

Myles's picture

Myles

02/27/2013 - 03:51

Thanks, Agcat. I ramble when I talk so I suppose it spills out onto the page. I think cutting things out is probably more difficult than writing them down, but if it makes a story better...

Nice job on Shattered, by the way. Very punchy.

Myles's picture

Myles

02/26/2013 - 06:54

Okay, I've edited the original and hacked 150 words off the the total. Thanks for the suggestions. Hopefully it's a little tighter now...

Shuja Dalip's picture

Shuja Dalip

02/25/2013 - 20:47

Hi Myles,

I think you are one of the best writers here. In fact, your writing style reminds me of Ian McEwan. I read his novel, "Atonement", for an AP English class, and fell in love with modern English story telling.

I think there is a cultural difference between the English and American ways of writing and story telling, especially in the YA genre. I think there are quite a few members of this community who will appreciate your writing and your way of telling a story, but probably not a whole lot. But please don't let that stop you! Keep writing and posting, because we'd love to read it. Thanks.

Myles's picture

Myles

02/26/2013 - 03:26

You're my new best friend! What a compliment! :)

Rose's picture

Rose

02/25/2013 - 16:15

I have to admit, I like your other intro better, but with what you said about being new to writing, I'm thoroughly impressed. You have a strong, cynically funny voice and that last line was awesome.
A couple of things though, is Juliette a character? Because I found it a little odd to be naming waitresses in Logic's hypothetical bar.
And as just, general writing advice, avoid adverbs. I know that sounds like one of those rules made up by people who like to make up rules about things, but I find it's a pretty good guideline. Like in the 1st paragraph, I'd leave naturally because it enforces that sense of irony, but leave out unfortunately because the arrival of melancholy comes across as unfortunate without it.
Just a thought though. I wouldn't mention it if I didn't think your writing was already really good.

Myles's picture

Myles

02/26/2013 - 03:24

Thanks, Rose. A lot of it needs to be whittled out (as Bethany pointed out, the word limit is a problem), so I'll need to hack away the descriptive bits and get rid of some of the odd bits of her psyche. I was just playing around with ideas and trying to make it interesting. I'm still not sure if it's YA, but maybe it's closer than the last one...

Rose's picture

Rose

02/26/2013 - 15:13

It definitely has the YA relationship thing going, but something about it gave me the impression that Babel was older. I think it's the fact that Logic goes out to a bar. It's just a little detail but, in America at least, the drinking age is 21, which kind of pushes the experience of stumbling into a bar to the very top edge of YA protagonist age.

Bethany Glass

02/25/2013 - 14:33

Oh, and you'll want to compress it down to at most 300 words :-)

Bethany Glass

02/25/2013 - 14:28

Myles, you write really well, and I can see that you have a talent for weaving a scene together in an unconventional way. The way you manifested and used the emotional and logical aspects of Babel's psyche as characters was hilarious. I'm also impressed that you're able to narrate from the female perspective with so much confidence and competence. Maybe you have a lot of sisters?

While I liked it, I do not think there will be too many teens who will want to read on based on your opening. The elements are there. Perhaps Babel could ruminate on some of the juicy details regarding what broke up their relationship in the first place?

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