Dance With Me

Myles's picture
Submitted by Myles on Fri, 02/22/2013 - 15:57

I was in the station last night.

It was cold and that large clock on the wall pirouetted on its axis, dancing the time away. Dead leaves skittered across the floor and I was alone. Not lonely. Just alone.

I lay on the station floor, drinking cheap wine, gazing at the night sky through the holes in the roof. Mateus. Do you remember it? It’s the one we used to drink when we were younger, and it made us feel rich.

I remember dancing there when we were drunk. You were fuzzy and I was happy. And our feet whispered over the tiles, floating on the warm buzz of Ella Fitzgerald’s voice. The thrill of those nights, Michael… every moment was electric.

And as I looked up at the stars, I remember you once told me the sky was full of exploding suns. Eternity never looked so inviting.

I remember the first time you told me you loved me. The breeze of the summer night stroked your hair lazily and the star-jasmine glowed in the moonlight. I remember I could see the words dancing on your lips like tiny flames, and the sea of city lights blazed in the distance.

“I love you…”

The sound of your voice felt like sparks on my skin and made me shiver with delight.

I remember every scene and I cherish every moment we spent together, but without you nothing seems real any longer. The game’s just not fun any more. There’s nothing here for me now.

Sometimes, on warm summer nights like these, I think I see you in the shadows, waiting. Dance with me one more time, Michael. And then take me home.

Comments

Myles's picture

Myles

02/24/2013 - 01:30

Okay, I stayed up till 4:30am immersing myself in YA online, and I have to agree with Zach and Sal: this is not a YA story opening. Boy do I have a red face. Not to mention very heavy eyelids and dark patches under my eyes.

There's plenty of scope for it to become one of course - like any story, you can really mess with your characters if you want to and throw them into all kinds of difficult situations - but there is no suggestion of conflict in this opening, no teen angst, no relationship problems, no self-loathing or self-discovery.

I will give it some more thought and try to come up with something else. When I've had the chance to catch up on some sleep...

Thanks again to everyone who's read the story and especially to those of you who commented: that's the best bit for me and I'm sure a lot of other would-be writers will benefit from having the opportunity to discuss their ideas with other people too.

TeresaL

02/24/2013 - 15:52

Don't fret none Myles! It's a good story beginning anyways. I voted for it. But then again, I'm a 26 year old, so my tastes may be a bit more mature than your typical YA reader. I love reading YA stories though, and I still feel like a YA :-)

Myles's picture

Myles

02/25/2013 - 01:05

Thanks Teresa, I'm glad you liked it. I have another one which I am sure fits, but it's 400+ words long and hacking it to pieces to fit the word count would just destroy it (I tried). 150 words is quite a challenge! Have you posted any pieces here?

Cybil Fierst

02/23/2013 - 18:50

You have a wonderfully expressive prose style Myles, and you put your heart into every sentence. I could feel the narrator's hopelessness. In one of your comments, you mentioned that you are new to writing (I'm assuming creative writing). As a new writer, it's impressive that you were able to find a voice and express it so well. Well done, and I hope to see more of your writing.

Myles's picture

Myles

02/24/2013 - 01:17

First of all, I love your name! That's a writer's name for sure. Or an actress. Or a rock star. Hell, why not all three?!

Thanks for your kind comments. I'm glad the emotion came over in the piece. She is hopeless. It's not just Michael she lost -- she lost everyone. It's kind of post-apocalypse, but not in an I Am Legend way.

"New" is right: my back catalogue to date is three short scenes like this. I'm guessing I'm not the only one who just woke up one morning and wanted to put something on paper. It feels odd though, having never done it before. I'd better stop now... this feels like it's turning into a therapy session!

Thanks again for your comments. Getting some feedback about the words spinning round in my head makes me feel a little less like that crazy old woman at the end of the street who keeps too many cats and talks to herself in the supermarket.

SAL's picture

SAL

02/23/2013 - 14:06

Myles,

I do like your writing and your story so far. I understand what you mean by flash forward, and it's an interesting tool to use. However, opening with the protagonist as an adult, and speaking as an adult, may not work very well for a YA story. I think the opening is suppose to serve to elicit the interest of the reader. YA readers in our case.

Regardless, I did enjoy your opening, and I do want to read your story.

- Salvador

Myles's picture

Myles

02/23/2013 - 15:45

Hi Salvador,

Thanks for your comments. I completely understand what you mean and I agree that we need to engage with our audience in the first few paragraphs. But I think that maybe we run the risk of not giving our readers enough credit if we make the decision for them that they can only respond to teenage characters, and that they don't have the ability to imagine those characters ageing.

I mentioned Titanic and The English Patient earlier, but there are loads of other examples where the story is centred on the youthful exploits of the main characters, whilst acknowledging from the beginning of the story (or film) that they have already lived their lives. For example, I'm reading The Kite Runner at school at the moment. One of my favourite films is The Green Mile with Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Duncan. And only last weekend I watched The Notebook with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.

I would say that those are all YA stories, but maybe I am just looking at YA in too broad a sense? How would you define it? What are the boundaries?

I don't mind admitting that I am completely new to all this (both to writing in general and to the YA genre), so hearing other people's opinions is brilliant and I really appreciate all the feedback: finally finding people of my own age who are interested in the creativity of writing their own stories, in putting their ideas down on paper and then discussing how to improve their writing... how cool is that?!

SAL's picture

SAL

02/23/2013 - 17:59

Myles,

That is true that I might not be giving enough credit, especially in regards to our non American friends, who are probably more evolved than the typical American teenager. From your use of the word "mum", I am guessing you are a Brit or an Aussie? I too enjoyed "The Kite Runner" and I can see how such great stories could engage quite a few YA's, though the story is told from the adult protagonist's perspective.

And yes, I agree - it's very cool that this kind of forum exists for us.

- Salvador

Myles's picture

Myles

02/24/2013 - 01:59

Hi Salvador,

I'm not sure about "evolved" but there are certainly things "evolving" in high school here (Spain, but you're right, I'm British): on any random day it's like watching the first life emerge from the primordial soup.

But I just left a new comment above because I don't think this opening really fits with a YA story. I suppose I should have understood what it was before putting pen to paper, but I will have another go. And yes, this kind of forum is great because where else are you going to find like-minded aspiring writers? If your school is anything like mine, everyone is finding themselves in their own particular way, everyone is trying to fit in, but nobody does, and the only way people can communicate is by liking the same music, dressing in the same clothes, or punching each other in the arm.

I'm hoping we'll all be able to look back and laugh, because if that thing about this being the best years of our lives is true, I'm sure not looking forward to my 20s and 30s :)

zachnichols

02/22/2013 - 20:08

Myles,

You write very well, and your story left me with the strong sense of the yearning that the main character must be feeling. And I have to agree with Rose that the lost love feeling without the bitterness gives the strong impression that her love had ended without a breakup. But I can't say it's clear that he had died and that she was waiting to die, though the last sentence does allude to that. This doesn't have to be made clear in the opening, and I'm sure it will be clear as your story progresses.

In terms of the story itself, I was wondering if this is a YA story. YA stories generally have YA protagonists. Your character seems to be an adult, and the language of the story seems to suggest an adult oriented story.

Pages