Turning

Agcat97's picture
Submitted by Agcat97 on Mon, 02/11/2013 - 17:39

The lion’s face was solemn and brave, his fierce eyes staring back with a cold, unblinking boldness. He had no fear. This was his domain and he was completely relaxed, though still commanding. A girl stood a mere three yards away from the beast, the light glancing off his silver coat to reflect off of her curious eyes. “Alex,” she said, “why did your parents keep that statue? I like it, but it doesn’t seem to go with the rest of the house.”
A boy of about twelve years glanced over at the statue, a strand of red hair falling over his face as he did so. "My parents did everything they could do get rid of that lion. They even tried to bust it down with a jack hammer." He placed a hand on the lion's muzzle. "But this statue cannot be moved."

Comments

KimberlyRae

02/14/2013 - 11:44

Ooh, the last sentence was so perfect! I thought the Lion was real at first, like the little girl was about to get eaten or something. I'm very curious as to why they can't remove the lion, and the fact that his parents even went far enough to attempt busting it with a jackhammer makes me wonder whats so bad about he statue. I do agree with the previous comment about the title though, but maybe later o in the story it would make sense. Great intro :)

Shuja Dalip's picture

Shuja Dalip

02/12/2013 - 21:57

I like this opening, but not the title. I'm sure it's what the story is about - a mixed up mansion - but I felt it somehow took away from the story.

Agcat97's picture

Agcat97

02/14/2013 - 14:41

Yeah, I agree with both of you guys that the title was kind of cheesy. Do you like it better now?
I wrote this story last year for English class, and I didn't have much time to think of a good name for it.

bdmercer

02/12/2013 - 21:13

I liked that you don't find out that the lion is a statue until the end of the first paragraph. And the statue being indestructible immediately adds mystery and suspense.

I would suggest to add a bit more background. Maybe something else from the past involving the statue, perhaps a sentence or two about who had it made and place there, especially if there's something unusual about this person that adds to the mystery.

Cybil Fierst

02/12/2013 - 18:07

I believe this post is being under appreciated because of your other posts - especially "Shattered," which I thought was beautifully done. But I wanted to let you know that I very much enjoyed the language you employed in the narrative for this piece. It was descriptive in a way that was satisfying and delightful, and left me with a feeling of anticipation. Thank you.