Shattered

Agcat97's picture
Submitted by Agcat97 on Mon, 02/11/2013 - 17:34

“Is there any way to get a drink of water around here?”
The rasped words triggered a stream of coughing and gasping – a heavy price to pay for a useless question.
Glancing at the prisoner who had spoken, Coltan stole along the corridor, not surprised that no one answered the man. Coltan himself could hardly talk, even when necessary. His throat felt like it was filled with sand, and he would not even know his tongue existed if it was not for the way its swollen sides throbbed against the roof of his mouth.
Drip. Drip.
Coltan moaned and put his hands over his ears. He would rather be deaf than listen to the water leak through the dungeon ceiling, a constant source of agony to every man inhabiting the black cells. Coltan had to force himself to keep his hands from touching the moist walls, sure that if he did touch them, he would be unable to resist the temptation to drink. He had watched dozens of men drink the contaminated water and die only a few hours later in fevered convulsions. Some of them had been happy to end their lives of darkness.
A shudder wracked the young man’s body as he continued through damp corridors. He hated working in the prison. He hated not having any drinkable water. More than anything, He hated Prince Rashawn Tolicon.

Comments

Shuja Dalip's picture

Shuja Dalip

02/26/2013 - 15:12

Hi Agcat,

At first I didn't like the additional paragraph at the end, because I thought it added confusion. But then when I read it again, I realized it made me want to read on even more because of all the additional questions it raises: Why is Coltan working in the prison but not given enough water? Is he a prisoner-worker? Who is this Prince? Awesome opening.

davesoloman

02/22/2013 - 14:39

I can't believe I missed this one. Good thing it was edited and got back to the top of the list. This opening really grabs your attention and begging for more.

Michelle K's picture

Michelle K

02/14/2013 - 18:58

Great opening! It really hooked me. :) When I first read your opening, though, I was a little confused. Was Coltan a security guard? But then I reread it and realized that he was a fellow prisoner. It might have been just me though, but maybe make it more clear...? Anyways, your story was really intriguing, I would definitely want to read more! :D

Agcat97's picture

Agcat97

02/15/2013 - 12:14

The next few paragraphs clear up who Coltan is exactly and why he's there. It's hard to include everything in the first 150 words. :-)

D. S. Hirsch

02/14/2013 - 15:30

This is going to be another 100+ vote getter. It's riveting and well written, and pays attention to the small details that make great stories, like the dripping water that can drive prisoners insane.

After reading it through, a question did come up in the left side of my brain (the analytical side?). I'm guessing the prisoners would get some food and water at some points during their stay, at least enough to keep them barely alive. But the opening leaves the impression that they're left to die of dehydration, which would only take a few days or a week or so, I think, but it also sounds like they've been in there for a long time. So, a little confusing for me, but I'm sure it's because all this can't be explained in detail in a short opening.

Again, a great opening.

Agcat97's picture

Agcat97

02/14/2013 - 16:42

Yeah, most of the prisoners do end up dying, but at this point in the story, the water has only been poisoned for a short time. You see, there was a battle at a lake that was the main source of water for the city, and the bodies that fell into the lake contaminated the water. Good question. :-)

Cathy B

02/13/2013 - 16:56

I really enjoyed this one and wish I could read the whole story right now : )

bdmercer

02/12/2013 - 21:40

Well done scene. I could "feel" Coltan's misery.

Bethany Glass

02/12/2013 - 13:56

It's a very well done scene, and a powerful opening to your story. I especially appreciated how he tried to avoid touching the wet wall, to keep temptation to lick the moisture at bay. It's such a wonderful way of showing his unimaginable suffering.

Great work. I'm very eager to read the rest of your story. Thank you for sharing.

MileyBaxter

02/12/2013 - 11:37

"The rasped words triggered a stream of coughing and gasping – a heavy price to pay for a useless question."

That's one of the best sentences I've read! Your opening is amazingly well done, right in the middle of a terrible situation for the main character, and you did a great job of vividly describing the scene.

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