Unearth

Submitted by KimberlyRae on Mon, 01/28/2013 - 10:15

I was running out of ways to explain how a seemingly normal seventeen year old ended up spending a short stint in the mental ward. For that reason, I knew I was going to like my new guardian quite well. He wasn’t one for conversation, and kept to himself more often than not. This proved to be beneficial to me in more ways than one.

“Mr. Rose!” My therapist snapped her stubby fingers in his face the way she’d done to me many times before. Doc Ingrid hated being ignored.

He snapped to attention.

Comments

Bethany Glass

03/05/2013 - 20:37

Hi Kimberly,

I just love the first sentence. The mention of a having been in a mental ward definitely captures your interest (you might want to change "small" to "short"). However, I felt that the rest of the opening was stronger before your edit, if my memory is correct. Just my opinion, of course.

Thanks,
Bethany

KimberlyRae

03/06/2013 - 06:56

Hey, thanks for the comment! I think you're right about the edit, I changed it because I needed to go back and fix something in my first chapter and I couldn't have done it without changing the opening. I hope it doesn't make too much of a difference though. Anyways, I appreciate the feedback :)

Bethany Glass

03/06/2013 - 10:23

Totally know what you mean. Sometimes the opening can't be made exactly the way we want because of how the rest of the story goes.

D. S. Hirsch

01/28/2013 - 14:11

There's many questions here that pique the reader's interest. Who is this guardian and why does she need one (where's her parents?), why was she in the psyche ward, what's her background...? You've created a very solid starting point. I'm a big fan of first sentences. I would suggest starting with "I was running out of ways to explain how a seemingly normal seventeen year old ended up spending a small stint in the mental ward." That will catch anyone's attention, in my opinion.

KimberlyRae

01/29/2013 - 09:33

Thats exactly what I was hoping to do with this intro. Also, about the first sentence thing,I will try and play with that and see what I get, the problem is having that part and the part about the guardian still somewhere in the beginning, but I totally agree. Thank you for your comment :)

Shuja Dalip's picture

Shuja Dalip

01/28/2013 - 11:51

Kimberly,

From this and your other post, "Count to Ten," I can see that you have a talent for choosing story topics that are off the beaten path yet very relatable to YA's. And in both cases (though I do wish you could post more of the other story), you are very adept at getting the reader's interest very quickly. And in both cases, I definitely do want to read more - which to me means that your openings are very successful.

I especially liked the last sentence. It tells a lot about the character, and makes me like her.

Some suggestions (disclaimer - I also struggle with grammar, so I might be wrong):
- Replace "...small stint.." with "....short stint.."
- Replace "..hit on me or an overly.." with "...hit on me and and an overly.."

KimberlyRae

01/29/2013 - 09:38

Thanks for the comment. It made my day, mostly because I have a hard time picturing myself on the level that a lot of the writers on here are on. Thank you for the grammar suggestions, im going to fix those right away. Thanks again! :)