Count To ten

Submitted by KimberlyRae on Fri, 01/25/2013 - 10:55

People say that hate is a strong word; maybe that’s why it was the perfect word to describe the way I felt about all of the things that were eating into me lately. Like my mother, Dad’s new physical therapist, and the mailman. Especially the mailman.

Comments

Epistolary Girl

01/27/2013 - 20:26

The idea of beginning with an emotion that we can all relate to works really well here. However, there are a few things that I would like to point out:
1) When you say (in your first sentence) "...word; and..." the semicolon is not standard grammar. Because what precedes the semicolon and what comes after the "and" are complete sentences, either the semicolon should be replaced with a comma or the coordinating conjunction "and" should be take out. Granted, there are wonderful writers who do not follow this rule (Dickens included). However, you are not Dickens and I don't think the semicolon serves any stylistic purpose--thus, I think it would be wise of you to change that. (See http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/04/ for more details).
2) "Especially, the mailman." is read as "Especially" (pause) "the mailman." I honestly think that that just sounds really awkward; I would suggest that you abandon the comma.
3) As you no doubt know, this is a really short 150 words (actually, it's less than 50 words). So far you've stated an emotion, but you haven't really described it. People are drawn in by the question of why the narrator is so upset, but I think you can really maximize the effect of your beginning by using another 100 or so words to give some insight as to why the narrator so hates these people and/or describe what it feels like to hate--show the hatred, instead of just saying that the narrator hates his/her mother, father's therapist, etc.
Thank you so much for sharing (And good luck)!

KimberlyRae

01/28/2013 - 07:24

Thanks so much for this review. I have to admit I'm a little behind the rest when it comes to grammar rules and what not so I found this to be really helpful. I'm definitely going to edit and fix the mistakes you found. Also for the third thing you pointed out, I totally agree with you on that. I'm working on expanding the part that I have posted. Thanks again, you have no clue how much I appreciate it. :)

Cybil Fierst

01/27/2013 - 21:35

Incredibly well formed and written critique. Would love to have you as my editor.

trudy terrel

01/26/2013 - 13:04

I love it that the protagonist hates her dad's therapist and the mailman (and that she "especially" hates the mailman) - what unusual and interesting choices!

KimberlyRae

01/28/2013 - 07:32

Thanks! That's kind of what I was going for when I wrote the introduction that way. It all kind of goes together in explaining the whole purpose of the story and all that tasty stuff :) Thank you for the comment.:)

SAL's picture

SAL

01/25/2013 - 20:52

It's very impressive that you've succeeded in your opening with so few words. I already like the protagonist, and am able to get a strong sense of her in these few sentences, and am able to empathize.

Like Vannessa, I too wish that there was more that I can read now. But I can wait until your story is published in the anthology, because I'm sure it will be.

KimberlyRae

01/28/2013 - 07:46

Thanks so much, this comment made my day. Your entry is also really good by the way. I read it a few days ago and I can still remember it well in my mind. I guarantee it,you have one of the greatest chances of getting published. :)

Michelle K's picture

Michelle K

01/25/2013 - 15:10

Your beginning is really interesting, it makes me wonder why the character hates the mailman. Nice start!

KimberlyRae

01/29/2013 - 09:28

Thanks so much :)

Vannessa

01/25/2013 - 11:41

I know how the narrator feels - I have "hating" periods too. So, this opening really resonated with me, and I'm sure it will with many others. And I love the last sentence! It would be really great if there was more of the opening posted.

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