Aethon and the Cave

Submitted by Michelle K on Sat, 01/19/2013 - 15:00

Aethon opened his eyes and groaned. “Where am I?” he muttered to himself. He pushed himself off the ground, running a hand through his dark, brown hair. Aethon saw the dingy he had traveled here (wherever here was) in. He heard people gasp.
“He is alive!” Aethon heard a woman cry.
“Of course I’m alive,” he said thickly. “Where am I?”
He peered around. Surrounding him was a small village of simple, wooden huts. The people, (there were twenty or so- not too many), were wearing plain wool clothing that smelled like seaweed and sheep. He saw an old man wearing a dark brown cloak hobble over to him. The old man had a long white beard, no hair, and crooked teeth.
“You, you are on the island of Lemuria! The Cursed Island of Poseidon, the Sinking Island!” said the hobbling old man, wheezing. “I am Areoles, the medicine man; father of Aridides. And who are you?” Aethon opened his mouth, and then shut it.
"Now, don’t be shy and tell us your name! It’s not like a god has cursed you.” Areoles paused. “Are you cursed by a god?”
“No…” said Aethon slowly. Could he trust these people? This island was cursed by Poseidon, but since he was cursed by Poseidon too, what harm would it do to stay here a bit?
“They call me Aethon,” he told Areoles.

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Comments

Shuja Dalip

01/28/2013 - 12:02

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Scene

Michelle,

Somebody mentioned Percy Jackson, and I found myself thinking about that story as well while reading your opening (though it's very different). I think it's the humor and the confused protagonist that made it seem familiar. In any case, I liked your opening and would certainly want to read more.

I would like to know more about the scene that Aethon find himeself in - an idea about how many people there are (an overwhelming crowd, or a few dozen, etc..)

bdmercer

01/25/2013 - 21:27

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I like stories that open with

I like stories that open with the protagonist not knowing what's going on, and right in the middle of an action, and you did a good job of doing it effectively. Looking forward to reading more.

trudy terrel

01/23/2013 - 14:42

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cursed by a god!

i loved that he was cursed by a god! i'm assuming aethon is a teenager, but you might want to make that clear, and maybe a hint as to what he looks like (at least a notable feature). looking forward to reading the rest of your story.

Michelle K

01/23/2013 - 16:15

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Thanks for the feedback, I'll

Thanks for the feedback, I'll try and edit it a bit. :)

davesoloman

01/21/2013 - 17:17

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Great Potential

Lots of potential here for the story to go on very interesting directions. You've laid a good foundation and opened up several avenues for the story to develop. Great job.

BTW, is the name Aethon from Odysseus' secret alias? And is Lemuria the same as the lost continent in the Pacific that was theorized scientists back in the 1800's? In any case, you've come up with some interesting names.

Michelle K

01/23/2013 - 15:59

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Funnily enough, I started

Funnily enough, I started this story after I read "The Adventures of Ulysses" (by Bernard Evslin). Ulysses was originally my main character instead of Aethon, but I decided that I wanted to make up my own hero. :) I had forgotten that Ulysses' alias was Aethon. As for the island of Lemuria, I was going to go for Atlantis, but I decided against it. I found the island on the internet and thought "Why not?" and it became the sinking island.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Bethany Glass

01/20/2013 - 11:23

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Good Start

Michelle,

It's a good start. And like Madison implied, the reader will want to read on to get answers to the many questions that are brought up. Some suggestions below:

- You have some good details here (like the smell of the villagers and the old man). It could use more details for the "simple huts," "plain clothing," the dingy, the people, etc....
- The sentence, "Besides, this island was cursed..." doesn't support the previous line's thesis of not trusting people / not wanting to be kicked off isalnd.

Good luck, and thanks for sharing!

Michelle K

01/20/2013 - 12:16

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Good Advice

Thanks for the great advice! I tried to change the last part a bit, I hope it sounds better.

Madison Fisher ...

01/19/2013 - 17:21

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Cool opening. I used to be a

Cool opening. I used to be a big Percy Jackson / Greek myth fan, so this caught my interest. It looks like it's set in ancient Greece. Right away you've given the reader a lot of interesting questions to ponder.

And I really liked the use of "seaweed and sheep" to describe the villagers' smell....eeewww!